'Help! My copycat ex-mate is bad mouthing me round town!'

The deeply weird ways women wage war against one another - and what to do about it

NB These stories are absolutely true in essence and overall trajectory, but some of their details have been changed to protect those who deserve protecting. Though some are bang on factual.

My friend D calls me in rage and sadness and confusion. “It’s that WOMAN again!” she howls.

“Copy Cat woman?” I hiss.

“YES!” she says.

“F**K THAT BITCH!” I roar.

Background. My mate D and her bloke moved from the city to a small, rural community a few years ago. They did up their home together, they breathed wholesome, pollution free almost-mountain air, they saw the stars; they had one baby, got pregnant with another. They were happy. D is clever and cool and smart and funny and, crucially, beautiful. The kind of beautiful which meant she was routinely stopped by model scouts as a kid growing up in London, but never went for it, because that isn’t her vibe, never has been, never will; she’d get her own profession instead, one which meant our paths would eventually cross. (I’d be more specific but I’m preserving anonymity. I’ve asked D’s permission before writing this, of course, but still… You understand.)

Anyway. D’s is the kind of beautiful you have to be a bit of a hustler, a bit of a player, to handle, to enjoy, to ride - but, D? She’s not that. She’s just her . So when people get weird with her because of her beauty, when men fetishise her, or - more pertinently in this instance - women try to contain her and control her because of it, D doesn't Get it. She just experiences people being deeply, inexplicably odd around her, which makes her feel uncomfortable.

Unsafe.

I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: women’s envy is not easily brushed aside. Female envy can cling to you, like tar.

So.

This other women, this difficult woman: