I’m asking you. Because I just don’t know. And I need to.
Four friends have come to me in the last year, saying their husbands/ new boyfriends / mid-term boyfriends/ longterm partners are in the habit of Liking sexy images of other women on social media. These friends are different ages, different life stages… and all identically confused about what to think.
And I don’t know what to tell them. My gut is: ‘Sorry. mate; nah. That’s off,” but… Am I wrong? Overreacting? Too long out the game to know how it’s played? Is Liking no different to the fleeting, comic crushes one’s other half gets on: weather presenters, reinvented Spice Girls, the heros of dour Scandi dramas… The kind of thing which makes you laugh and think: “Ah! Good on ya, love.”? Not unlike (/identical to) the crushes we get, too? We all fancy other people, don’t we; just - not with any real intention (/hope) of getting anywhere with it?
But are social media Likes more serious than that? More interactive? A fishing expedition, an invitation (to those being Liked) to respond, engage? Is it just… Creepy?
Should my friends say something? Dump those Like-Like-y arses? Or just write it off to online high jinks, maybe spread some Likes of their own?
What do you think?What do you know? What have you experienced? Do tell…
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UPDATE: I just asked a 26 year old in a longterm solid relationship if he’d Like pics of other women and what his gf would think… he said absolutely he would and she does the same. He said she actually walks around pointing at people and saying ‘hot’…
I probably wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow. Men like pictures of women. They don’t even have to be that hot! Hence the likes. Sliding into the liked image’s DMs would be my line.
Theoretically it would be the same as me liking an image of a buff bloke or Brad in his heyday.
For me I guess I ask the question, might I do the same? If so it’s fine
I think probably trying to understand what “a like” on socials means to your significant other may be an interesting and enlightening discovery. I wonder if a lot of “liking” is just as idol as scrolling these days. I think the ♥️ emoji for “like” is a bit misleading on insta. If they message publicly on the post saying “damn gurl youz hawt” then yeah I’d have an issue with that and deffo hard no to any DMs. Liking I think is ok - I mean it depends also on what the content of the image is. There is a range on a bikini photo of splashing around with friends to “only fans” vibes (no judgement on any of this). In the past when my bf’s have shown me images in passing I’ve asked what it is they like about it. I think it’s fascinating to try to understand what it is they like because it’s often very different from what I am like - yet they chose to be with me instead of someone who looks like the image. Hmmm 🤔 … it’s a great question Polly!
And that, my love, is a great answer! Liking can definitely be totally mindless and not-loaded, I really agree… but it can be more. So nuanced! So interesting
I want to tell a very freaking long story about how an affair started this way. Id say it wasn’t as direct result of the likes, but it was part of the luck and circumstance that started it. I guess the question is really best posed to the liker: why?
Lols that story is a story and a half. But yes, the risk is it’s starts with a like, then a reciprocal like, then some sort of banterous (!) exchange, then a DM slide (more banter, innit), then a lengthy exchange, and then BOOM. Obviously doesn’t go that way for everyone, but I’ve seen people wander rather aimlessly online and end up exactly there.
Really don’t think this is an age thing… plenty of blokes in their 40s and 50s making free with the likes. I do find it creepy in theory, super creepy if the girls are a lot younger..: but I do also realise if a guy does it to one of my pics, I think: ah, he’s just saying I look good. It seems kinda friendly.
When I saw my partner's insta home page was populated with lovely ladies not wearing very much, I kind of passed it off as harmless appreciation...but Likes do feel a bit like something else. Maybe the difference is between business and personal accounts? Liking a personal account feels like a stalker, liking a business post that's put out there to promote a brand and be appreciated is a different thing?
Interesting distinction! I also think it’s really hard to stop the algorithm giving you what it thinks you want to see, which is not necessarily an accurate assessment. All the men I know get bikini shots suggested to them all the time, while I get make up and dogs.
Good point. You only have to pause briefly on an image to get loads of similar pages pushed at you. But that's passive. Putting a heart on something is active
Ha! All I get is life affirming cringe, because I clearly liked something awful on a sad day once. I’d feel like a perv if I Liked a bloke in his pants though, ad or not. Maybe we’re still at the stage women feel like that in a public place and guys don’t.
Depends if it’s a celebrity or a ‘real’ person. My lovely boyfriend larks around the internet all day long liking Sydney Sweeney’s bikini photos on Instagram. Good luck with that, buddy! He also openly admits to fancying the pants off Margot Robbie. If he was liking photos of Becky the PR agent who lives the other side of London or declaring his lust for Laura at work, obviously I’d be fuming. I let it slide and don’t bat an eyelid when it’s not a situation he could potentially get into trouble with.
I think I agree with Eleanor, above. We’re a visual race and we look as much as any man hence the discussions about Podium Man and Hot Equerry. For me, it’s the liking that’s problematic as it moves from the impersonal to the personal somehow. Having said that, I’m in my fifties and wasn’t brought up with social media; maybe that changes things? I suppose another litmus test is for the ladies to like a few gentlemen in sports gear, old Dolce and Gabanna ads etc and see what response it elicits.
I think maybe my first thought is ‘What’s the actual point’? If it’s a famous hot person/ celebrity the like will just be drowned out by the other bazillion likes so ‘Meh’ whatever and if it’s not- if it’s a friend or a friend of a friend- what are they hoping to achieve? I don’t know- maybe the proximity of the person makes it a more tricksy beast to decode. Also possibly the intention of the original post? If the person posting is intentionally advertising lingerie or is talking about how super proud they are of their body or how that have made peace with it then high fives all round. Even Tit-bait/ thirst traps- if that’s what floats your boat then all power to you sister/ mister. People are allowed to feel proud of how they look/ acknowledge that they are fiiiine. I think if you are in a partnership and you both state your boundaries/ what you deem is acceptable with this kind of thing and either of you fundamentally disagree or cross a line then that’s an issue.
Yes yes yes! I do think there’s an intention thing here, which is EVERYTHING… but also, so hard to delineate. When you know it’s shady, you know… kinda thing. But then, there’s all our old insecurities and psychological glitches in play!
(Thank you. Quite blown away by how eloquent and thoughtful people are being here.)
I’m with you on this one Polly, I really don’t know the answer to this and I’ve given it some thought.
I think for me it almost depends on the values of the man I’m dating. If it’s just another thing he does that creates an untrusting eye roll then no.. it’s probably not ok because it’s all pointing towards a character that probably isn’t suitable long term. However if he’s a decent bloke that I completely trust, it could be as you mentioned, him just innocently appreciating a fit woman when he sees one. I mean.. I hit the ❤️ button on an inspiring shot of a man or a woman and I’m def not looking for a response.
It’s a pretty vulnerable thing to post of photo of yourself half naked on insta (I’ve posted bikini pics) and lots of likes is always nice I guess.
It’s a tricky question.
I did discover my now ex, ❤️ing bikini clad pics of his ex which definitely wasn’t ok. There are some lines.
God this is brilliant. So thoughtful. Thank you! It’s so nuanced, isn’t it? It’s sort of about their intentions, and how secure you are, and yes, you’re so right, these very specific lines. I’ve had partners who looked at other women in the street and it made me feel bad… sometimes, this is the same as that? Maybe? But you’re also right, it’s such a vulnerable making thing, to put an image of yourself out there, other people liking it, is important.
Definitely off! And it's not friendly Polly! Your male friends can like the insightful comments you make or a post that expresses that you're happy and having a great time - but not one that shows appreciation of the way you look. You're not an object and your worth isn't the way you look - and male friends should get this distinction and honour it.
Plus, I'd counsel any woman to look out for clues in their personal life of a partner with sex addiction. If nothing else, objectification of women in any form is a bit iffy.
I’m loving this chat! So many perspectives! Knew you’d be the people to ask…
BUT if I put a bikini shot up, which I sometimes do, I’m not asking people to say: we like your P.O.V… I want them to say: you look great! So if they do that, that’s ok? Or not? Or do you think I shouldn’t put bikini shots up? (No judgement! Genuinely interested in what you think, all these different ideas.)
Struggle with this too. If I put one up “celebrating my body” and I glorifying thin/skinny? No idea tbh. Objectification ship has sailed for me it seems, so needn’t worry about that one.
Likes mean I like a photo. It’s not a declaration of love or anything. If my partner liked a photo of a ripped rugby player or CrossFit superstar I’d just think “yup they look good”. Not much more to it. I like pretty girls I guess and seeing as I like her - she must be a pretty girl.
I always enjoy your writing. It’s taught me a lot!
I don’t think the emoji matters, it’s the intent. I like telling people nice things generally. “Oh wow I love that jacket” type stuff for a man or a woman. It’s just nice. Imagine your dad liking a photo of Felicity Kendall - 99% of mums wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Would they? Or would they?
In short, I like saying nice things and a like seems such a small affirming gesture. And if the boot were on the other foot and she was liking pics of Beckham or Laurence Dallagio or Prince William - well good luck to her. She’d find I had already liked them.
There is a big difference between “I like how that photo looks” and “meet me at Bicester Travelodge at 4pm”. (Insert swankier hotel chain here).
If his or her instinct is to like pics of people trying their best to look nice, it’s a nice thing I reckon. Hold people up. If they are a snake there will be a million other ways this manifest itself and you might not see them.
Yup, I think you’re bang on here. Heaven knows, half the time I’m barely aware of what I’m scrolling and liking. And when men like my posts, I totally assume the tone is friendly, fleetingly complimentary at most, but never anything more. And I like it.
Dads appreciating images of Felicity Kendall was basically the entirety of the 1980s summed up in a single phrase.
Ha Ha. I should say that I don’t know if such a venue exists. But it should. I’d love it if someone liked my photos when I’ve really tried to look good (doesn’t happen often) and I wouldn’t think anything untoward was occurring. Bless Ms Kendall, she really is something wonderful.
Bloody loved how this one panned out. Perspectives were shared, minds were changed, absolutely gorgeous.
UPDATE: I just asked a 26 year old in a longterm solid relationship if he’d Like pics of other women and what his gf would think… he said absolutely he would and she does the same. He said she actually walks around pointing at people and saying ‘hot’…
I'm late to the party but wanted to comment! I think looking at pics fine I do this too but dms and making contact is where it becomes dodgy!!
Late comers very welcome at this party!
I probably wouldn’t even raise an eyebrow. Men like pictures of women. They don’t even have to be that hot! Hence the likes. Sliding into the liked image’s DMs would be my line.
Theoretically it would be the same as me liking an image of a buff bloke or Brad in his heyday.
For me I guess I ask the question, might I do the same? If so it’s fine
Excellent and eloquent EXCEPT I’d argue Brad is still very much in his heyday day.
I’ll give you that one
Merci. And yes, ‘heyday day’ is a real thinG. Definitely
I think probably trying to understand what “a like” on socials means to your significant other may be an interesting and enlightening discovery. I wonder if a lot of “liking” is just as idol as scrolling these days. I think the ♥️ emoji for “like” is a bit misleading on insta. If they message publicly on the post saying “damn gurl youz hawt” then yeah I’d have an issue with that and deffo hard no to any DMs. Liking I think is ok - I mean it depends also on what the content of the image is. There is a range on a bikini photo of splashing around with friends to “only fans” vibes (no judgement on any of this). In the past when my bf’s have shown me images in passing I’ve asked what it is they like about it. I think it’s fascinating to try to understand what it is they like because it’s often very different from what I am like - yet they chose to be with me instead of someone who looks like the image. Hmmm 🤔 … it’s a great question Polly!
And that, my love, is a great answer! Liking can definitely be totally mindless and not-loaded, I really agree… but it can be more. So nuanced! So interesting
I want to tell a very freaking long story about how an affair started this way. Id say it wasn’t as direct result of the likes, but it was part of the luck and circumstance that started it. I guess the question is really best posed to the liker: why?
Tell your story!
But yes, you’re right. What’s the intention?
Lols that story is a story and a half. But yes, the risk is it’s starts with a like, then a reciprocal like, then some sort of banterous (!) exchange, then a DM slide (more banter, innit), then a lengthy exchange, and then BOOM. Obviously doesn’t go that way for everyone, but I’ve seen people wander rather aimlessly online and end up exactly there.
Oh yeah, no question, it can spiral!
Also lols at me alluding to a sordid story while sitting down with a cup of green tea and a biscuit to watch Countdown.
I think it’s weird AF. I’ve also asked my husband (of 22 years) and he thinks it’s weird AF too. Maybe we’re just old 🤷🏻♀️
Really don’t think this is an age thing… plenty of blokes in their 40s and 50s making free with the likes. I do find it creepy in theory, super creepy if the girls are a lot younger..: but I do also realise if a guy does it to one of my pics, I think: ah, he’s just saying I look good. It seems kinda friendly.
When I saw my partner's insta home page was populated with lovely ladies not wearing very much, I kind of passed it off as harmless appreciation...but Likes do feel a bit like something else. Maybe the difference is between business and personal accounts? Liking a personal account feels like a stalker, liking a business post that's put out there to promote a brand and be appreciated is a different thing?
Interesting distinction! I also think it’s really hard to stop the algorithm giving you what it thinks you want to see, which is not necessarily an accurate assessment. All the men I know get bikini shots suggested to them all the time, while I get make up and dogs.
Good point. You only have to pause briefly on an image to get loads of similar pages pushed at you. But that's passive. Putting a heart on something is active
Ha! All I get is life affirming cringe, because I clearly liked something awful on a sad day once. I’d feel like a perv if I Liked a bloke in his pants though, ad or not. Maybe we’re still at the stage women feel like that in a public place and guys don’t.
Erm, in that case, if you ever see me vehemently liking Lenny Kravitz with his top off: I was hacked.
Ha! and maybe I haven’t thought this through completely.
Depends if it’s a celebrity or a ‘real’ person. My lovely boyfriend larks around the internet all day long liking Sydney Sweeney’s bikini photos on Instagram. Good luck with that, buddy! He also openly admits to fancying the pants off Margot Robbie. If he was liking photos of Becky the PR agent who lives the other side of London or declaring his lust for Laura at work, obviously I’d be fuming. I let it slide and don’t bat an eyelid when it’s not a situation he could potentially get into trouble with.
Now you have pointed that out, I completely agree. I hadn't worked that out for myself and I'm glad you chipped in
I think I agree with Eleanor, above. We’re a visual race and we look as much as any man hence the discussions about Podium Man and Hot Equerry. For me, it’s the liking that’s problematic as it moves from the impersonal to the personal somehow. Having said that, I’m in my fifties and wasn’t brought up with social media; maybe that changes things? I suppose another litmus test is for the ladies to like a few gentlemen in sports gear, old Dolce and Gabanna ads etc and see what response it elicits.
Also I think that the Liking is public, so other people will see that it’s happened BUT THEN public liking it better than a PM..
I think maybe my first thought is ‘What’s the actual point’? If it’s a famous hot person/ celebrity the like will just be drowned out by the other bazillion likes so ‘Meh’ whatever and if it’s not- if it’s a friend or a friend of a friend- what are they hoping to achieve? I don’t know- maybe the proximity of the person makes it a more tricksy beast to decode. Also possibly the intention of the original post? If the person posting is intentionally advertising lingerie or is talking about how super proud they are of their body or how that have made peace with it then high fives all round. Even Tit-bait/ thirst traps- if that’s what floats your boat then all power to you sister/ mister. People are allowed to feel proud of how they look/ acknowledge that they are fiiiine. I think if you are in a partnership and you both state your boundaries/ what you deem is acceptable with this kind of thing and either of you fundamentally disagree or cross a line then that’s an issue.
Yes yes yes! I do think there’s an intention thing here, which is EVERYTHING… but also, so hard to delineate. When you know it’s shady, you know… kinda thing. But then, there’s all our old insecurities and psychological glitches in play!
(Thank you. Quite blown away by how eloquent and thoughtful people are being here.)
I’m with you on this one Polly, I really don’t know the answer to this and I’ve given it some thought.
I think for me it almost depends on the values of the man I’m dating. If it’s just another thing he does that creates an untrusting eye roll then no.. it’s probably not ok because it’s all pointing towards a character that probably isn’t suitable long term. However if he’s a decent bloke that I completely trust, it could be as you mentioned, him just innocently appreciating a fit woman when he sees one. I mean.. I hit the ❤️ button on an inspiring shot of a man or a woman and I’m def not looking for a response.
It’s a pretty vulnerable thing to post of photo of yourself half naked on insta (I’ve posted bikini pics) and lots of likes is always nice I guess.
It’s a tricky question.
I did discover my now ex, ❤️ing bikini clad pics of his ex which definitely wasn’t ok. There are some lines.
God this is brilliant. So thoughtful. Thank you! It’s so nuanced, isn’t it? It’s sort of about their intentions, and how secure you are, and yes, you’re so right, these very specific lines. I’ve had partners who looked at other women in the street and it made me feel bad… sometimes, this is the same as that? Maybe? But you’re also right, it’s such a vulnerable making thing, to put an image of yourself out there, other people liking it, is important.
Definitely off! And it's not friendly Polly! Your male friends can like the insightful comments you make or a post that expresses that you're happy and having a great time - but not one that shows appreciation of the way you look. You're not an object and your worth isn't the way you look - and male friends should get this distinction and honour it.
Plus, I'd counsel any woman to look out for clues in their personal life of a partner with sex addiction. If nothing else, objectification of women in any form is a bit iffy.
I’m loving this chat! So many perspectives! Knew you’d be the people to ask…
BUT if I put a bikini shot up, which I sometimes do, I’m not asking people to say: we like your P.O.V… I want them to say: you look great! So if they do that, that’s ok? Or not? Or do you think I shouldn’t put bikini shots up? (No judgement! Genuinely interested in what you think, all these different ideas.)
Struggle with this too. If I put one up “celebrating my body” and I glorifying thin/skinny? No idea tbh. Objectification ship has sailed for me it seems, so needn’t worry about that one.
Oh I don’t mind really. We’re all compromised AF. Do very questionable things!
Likes mean I like a photo. It’s not a declaration of love or anything. If my partner liked a photo of a ripped rugby player or CrossFit superstar I’d just think “yup they look good”. Not much more to it. I like pretty girls I guess and seeing as I like her - she must be a pretty girl.
Ok! This makes total sense. Does the same
Apply for the fire emoji do you think? Very much appreciate a male perspective.
I always enjoy your writing. It’s taught me a lot!
I don’t think the emoji matters, it’s the intent. I like telling people nice things generally. “Oh wow I love that jacket” type stuff for a man or a woman. It’s just nice. Imagine your dad liking a photo of Felicity Kendall - 99% of mums wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Would they? Or would they?
In short, I like saying nice things and a like seems such a small affirming gesture. And if the boot were on the other foot and she was liking pics of Beckham or Laurence Dallagio or Prince William - well good luck to her. She’d find I had already liked them.
There is a big difference between “I like how that photo looks” and “meet me at Bicester Travelodge at 4pm”. (Insert swankier hotel chain here).
If his or her instinct is to like pics of people trying their best to look nice, it’s a nice thing I reckon. Hold people up. If they are a snake there will be a million other ways this manifest itself and you might not see them.
Oh that’s so nice! Thank you! I learn a lot back.
Yup, I think you’re bang on here. Heaven knows, half the time I’m barely aware of what I’m scrolling and liking. And when men like my posts, I totally assume the tone is friendly, fleetingly complimentary at most, but never anything more. And I like it.
Dads appreciating images of Felicity Kendall was basically the entirety of the 1980s summed up in a single phrase.
Oh the image of Felicity Kendall in the Bicester Travelodge 🤣
More seriously, thank you for making me reconsider my instinctive ick/creep reaction to the original question about likes.
Ha Ha. I should say that I don’t know if such a venue exists. But it should. I’d love it if someone liked my photos when I’ve really tried to look good (doesn’t happen often) and I wouldn’t think anything untoward was occurring. Bless Ms Kendall, she really is something wonderful.